It’s off to work I go…
It was a humongous build up over the weeks I was away from work but the day finally came that I returned! I found being out of work really stressful. I used to get anxious going back just after 2 weeks off for a holiday let alone 10 months! I had so many worries and sleepless nights thinking the what if’s.. what if I have forgotten everything? What if I make a mistake? What if I’m treated differently? I was told so many times that it will all just come back to you .. like riding a bike. Me being the control freak I am still decided to spend endless hours worrying about it and you know what I’m gonna say… THEY WERE RIGHT! Yet another reminder to myself that worrying achieves nothing 😂 I am getting better at managing it… a little bit!
I’m easing back in to nursing with 4 hour shifts and worked the last two days! When I first arrived I was a little bit overwhelmed but after an hour or so of sorting millions of passwords to access everything it felt like I’d never left 😂. Funny how some people like really feel for you and are almost in tears just seeing you after what’s happened and others never even realised you were gone! 🙈
Today at work was really good, it was busy as it always was and I just took to it like a duck to water! Literally picked up where I left off and that’s something I never thought would go so smoothly or I’d deal with. Don’t get me wrong I know it’s still early days. A patient with breast cancer was mentioned in the handover today and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Felt abit sick and instantly felt like everyone was staring at me (obviously they weren’t but you know they’re probably thinking something!). I’m sure there are a fair few challenges ahead but I’m actually pretty proud of myself and just taking it as it comes! I managed work before cancer so it’s nothing I haven’t done before! 👊
It’s true when they say you have a new secret empathy towards others going through similar. I had a lovely chat with a patient and she was worried about hair loss and it was so nice to show her that losing your hair really is not the end of the world! You can still carry on and I was able to advise on some helpful charities and she couldn’t believe my hair wasn’t real! I really felt like I loved my job and it was so rewarding!
Back to the ongoing cancer battle, I am starting prostap injections and exemestane over the next couple of weeks to induce an artificial menopause! 🙄 yipeee. The lack of hormones may mean the cancer is less likely to come back but also means I’m high risk of osteoporosis so also need 6 monthly IV infusions of Zometa to keep my bones strong! HOWEVER, literally everything has a side effect 😂 the stuff that’s supposed to help my bones changes the bone makeup and can cause bone necrosis due to delayed healing. This means I had to see a dentist before starting treatment as any tooth extractions over the next 3 years on these meds will likely cause my jaw to rot! 💀 😫. Of course there was only one solution.. let’s remove all her wisdom teeth that currently cause no issues INCASE they might over the next 3 years 🙄. Like really!? It’s literally laughable.
The shit times just keep on coming as it’s my grandmas funeral next week. This world is well and truly battering me, clearly it doesn’t think I’ve dealt with enough 😂. BUT I’m still feeling strong, positive and motivated. It’s so nice to feel proud of yourself, this week has been such a huge achievement! I have accepted 6 sessions of counselling that was offered to me by the hospital starting on the 24th August. I’m sure it will be good to reflect and process what’s happened and probably have a good cry!
Positive: Despite the endless challenges we are strong. I’m feeling happy and enjoying life where I can BUT also remembering I can’t run before I can walk (I am so impatient!) I will stop pressuring myself with work and embrace the shorter shifts. It’s hard accepting that you don’t just bounce right back but it’s a process (they wouldn’t make it easy for us would they!.. 😂) ❤️