Losing Control
Updated: Mar 7, 2022
I’ve heard many people undergoing cancer treatment that they feel they are losing control of their bodies. That didn’t feel relevant until today. My body is controlled by medications, my sleep, my mood, my appetite and even my ability to hold a conversation. I am not myself, I feel numb and despite tears out of desperation every now and then to make it stop, pretty emotionless. No one can truly understand despite how much they try.
The weekend following chemo has always been the hardest for me. Drained from head to toe, no motivation, no energy, no desire for anything in life anymore. I just feel like an empty shell that is dwindling away. Yet each time it’s a shock when the switch is turned on day 10 and I feel like a human being again and that’s all I have to hold on to. The vicious cycle and the thought of this three more times is unbearable, but I will do it.
Cancer is destructive, it strips you of everything you knew before. The little worries you may have had are now insignificant and just surviving is on the fore front. The joint pains have been the worst this time round and any inch of me that touches a surface is sore. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone and I am just holding on to the fact that these are temporary. Holding on to the fact that the Soph underneath is still there and will appear again soon.
It’s okay to just let your body do it’s thing, it’s okay to just stay in bed some days and it’s okay to not want to talk (even if it’s just the lack of energy to get your words out). Family, friends and life goals will all still be there when you are ready to face them. Dealing with cancer is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Some days it still feels like a bad dream and the long road of recovery ahead of me is more than overwhelming but it can be done. The thought of getting back to work feels impossible, the thought of having a full head of hair again feels way too distant and even enjoying life again feels impossible. BUT I WILL GET THERE.
Positive: A little quote to keep perspective on the simple things and managing each day however you can, whatever way is right for you. ‘She stood in the storm & when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails’ ❤️