Reminding myself again after cycle 3 that it is all TEMPORARY
Updated: Mar 15, 2022
My goodness. The recovery after cycle 3 was THE WORST! I could not see the end of the tunnel this time round and the chemo pit seems to get deeper and darker each time. It is dangerous how awful it makes you feel but also so bizarre how for me on the arrival of day 10 I’m a different person!!
Chemo literally switches you off as a human being. I get so extremely fatigued and cannot hold a conversation and get frustrated just talking because it’s effort to get my words out. I get angry and irritated. I get frustrated that I can see things need doing round the house but can’t do them because I am SO TIRED. You get out of breath just walking to the kitchen and can’t stand up long enough to do the washing up (we are not lucky enough to have a dishwasher yet -.-) or to have a shower. I sit there and even find breathing an effort- it’s hard to explain!
Home life hasn’t been plain sailing, living with someone (aka me) who is easily irritated, a clean freak normally who is no longer able to clean, angry, depressed and unsociable can’t be easy! I need help which I hate and you can’t just sit in bed and enjoy it. It’s bloody boring or with me the injections make my bones hurt so much that I’m constantly twitching my legs or using a hot water bottle to distract me from the pain! I became resentful towards Sam as I wanted more help around the house and the frustrations really got the better of me and the stress takes over!!
Yet here we are now on Day 10 and I’m cool as a cucumber, I’m actually happy and actually had a really nice day! All the resent I had vanishes and I really do appreciate everything Sam does for me and puts up with as he says during my ‘bit** days’ 😂. Not gonna lie I did feel like a huge catfish going out feeling alright with a wig and makeup on today when actually I’m a bald headed moon face (steroids are not helping!) BUT I can see a purpose to my life still and that’s it’s actually worth living despite shi*** cancer. Yet just on Wednesday I was crying non stop and telling Sam how I wanted to die. Brutal but true. It’s scary. It scares me that these drugs do this and you get so far down a dark ditch that you completely forget what it’s like when you get out!
This post is more of a reminder to myself for the next round (in 9 days time! -.-) that it isn’t forever. My life IS still worth it. I can still be happy with/ after cancer. You can do it! Another 3 cycles is daunting, don’t forget the 2 weeks of radiotherapy EVERYDAY and then 3 years of 6 monthly humongous injections and I mean HUGE. Oh and then just another 7 years of hormone tablets that put me into an artificial menopause but ya know it can be done. You literally have to go with the flow whether it makes sense to you or not 😂. Ride the wave of cancer that you can’t control. It changes you, changes everything you know and knew but you just have to trust it will be okay.
Whilst in my chemo pit I questioned if I want this treatment anymore. It’s so tempting to just sack it off and say enough is enough. The destruction is not worth it BUT today I am reminding myself that it is. The 10 days I get to live my life between cycles completing outweighs all the awfulness cancer brings and it’s all for the good cause of a long and healthy life! I have self-referred to steps 2 well-being for some counselling to manage my mental health during this time! I also reached out to my breast cancer nurse and she has referred me to support by breast cancer now so will hopefully hear from both of those soon to update you! It’s okay not to be okay and it’s fine to talk about it!!
Today I spent the day celebrating my lovely (potential future sister in laws 😉) hen do and actually had the best time. I got to spend time with Sam and his daughter and actually enjoy life. Cancer treatment is worth it for more days like today which should never be taken for granted.
Positive: Life is special and each day is one of a kind. For me I am sacrificing days that could be amazing to cancer treatment to preserve my future. Those reading this that don’t have the cards I’ve been dealt, make the most of every second of everyday. I wish I had a wider perspective on life before this happened to me and didn’t think I was so invincible. People get diagnosed with life changing illnesses everyday completely out of their control. Life is special and life is short- make it count ❤️