The Brutal, The Bad and The Ugly
Cancer comes with good and bad days. Today has been a bad one. I am due to start work in less than two weeks and my anxiety is gradually building even subconsciously. My mind feels drained, sleeping less, dreaming about work. I’m fed up that the world was so unkind. I was in a good position at work before, life was good and cancer came along and ruined everything. I feel like I’ve taken so many steps back. People say ‘you’ll get back to where you were’, but it will never be the same. Chemo doesn’t just kill cancer cells it affects you long term. Affects how your brain works, memory, emotional trauma, physical abilities, the list goes on.
My latest struggle is hormone therapy. Since starting any cancer treatment in January I have put on a stone in weight. Purely steroid induced. I have been holding on to the fact that this weight will gradually come away and I’ve been as active as possible but I’m still fatigued from treatment. The hormone therapy I’m due to start any day, exemestane and prostap both have weight gain as a common side effect. It may sound vain but I don’t think I can physically cope with having no hair, an indented blue boob, no eye lashes, no eye brows and also continuously gaining weight as no fault of my own over the next 3 years. I just can’t do it. My clothes already either don’t fit right or sit differently and I am miserable. I’ve reached out to my specialist nurse to re-consider my options as I really just don’t want it. I would literally opt for a double mastectomy if that meant no hormone therapy. Fed up is an understatement.
I never used to understand before when people similar to me worried about their cancer coming back. I don’t know why but I just thought you know they’ve removed it with clear margins, all my treatment was prophylactic.. it’s all good. Now I totally get it. I am worried in a few years it will be back. As soon as my hair is just about in a good place it will happen again. I have already said I am not willing to do chemo and treatment again. Such an awful thought to be put in that position.
I’m also struggling with the idea of just going back to work and wasting my life when there’s no guarantee cancer won’t be back. If money was no object I’d be out enjoying life, every second of it. These are all the thoughts that have consumed me this morning whilst I had my meltdown. I’ve been looking back at photos (bad idea). Felt in such a good place before I was diagnosed and literally every part of that has broken. I feel pretty damn worthless and forgotten the purpose of my life.
Since writing this all down my perspective is slowly creeping back in. No one can guarantee a long healthy life. Whether or not there’s a greater chance of cancer than anyone else. What’s the point in the ‘what if’s’, right now is what matters and right now I am cancer free and on the way to getting life back on track. Of course, I have to work to keep the great things in my life such as the house. Nothing will change how unfair cancer is and that is hard to accept. I was literally crying earlier that the little chance I had of developing cancer is like picturing my whole school year and me being the only one that got it. WHY ME.
Me and mum had a good cry over FaceTime. It’s okay to cry and sometimes the emotions do need to boil over a little to actually clear your head just that little bit.
Positive: This morning I forgot the positives but they are definitely still there. I have been given a second chance after cancer which is something many people didn’t have before. I can go back to work and help so many others by my experience. I need to live life fearlessly as it’s not guaranteed for anyone. Focus on the future excitements and all the things you have to look forward to! Sam and I are looking at our options for a bigger house and I’m going to Marbella in 72 days! It’s really not all that bad.. promise ❤️