The Cancerversary
I knew the date was coming but I never really knew how to feel about it. I know some people really want to celebrate this day in a positive way in that a year on you are doing so well. I love the positivity of that but I just couldn't do that this year. Obviously I'm happy to still be here a year on but I'm also still in the angry phase. I'm angry that I had to go through all that just to be happy to be alive when this is something others take for granted (just like I used to).
I didn't do anything fancy, in fact I was working all day 😂. It's a very strange feeling. In some ways the last year has gone so so fast and can't believe it was a year since I was diagnosed and I managed to fit in surgery, IVF, 6 rounds of chemo, 10 round of radiotherapy and be back working full time for 4 months! That's insane. It does always stick with me though that when I was diagnosed they said you know it will be 6 months of crap for your whole life ahead of you in return. Yes it was more than 6 months of crap but that wasn't just it.
I still only have 1.5 inches of hair (yes I'm measuring 😂). I still feel like an elephant since the steroids and now hormone treatment caused me to gain weight. I am still mentally traumatised that this even happened to me. So it's definitely not over! In some ways the year went very slowly as my life was put on hold and I only just feel like I'm starting to get my life back!
Of course the 'cancerversary' has a catch. My yearly MRI and mammogram is coming up. I feel weirdly happy about it. I want the reassurance that I'm still cancer free (I hope!). Even if it does involve a cannula and I still hate needles with a passion!!! I feel like a ticking time bomb trying to get through each year without cancer coming back. When I have a really busy day at work I sometimes feel annoyed that I've 'wasted a day' stressed and run down when for all I know my cancer could come back soon and I wont have many days left. It really is an awful thought to have and ultimately I have to work in order to live a decent lifestyle 🙄. My surgery scar is still sore sometimes and the lump still feels like it's there as it's scar tissue. Oh and my boob is STILL blue from the sentinel node biopsy! 😂
What is so annoying is that cancer puts your life on hold but nothing else! You still need money to pay the bills and you still need to keep down a job. A year on I am still very much fatigued and the 12 hour shifts nursing are exhausting! It makes the life I had before just that bit harder and it's only me that suffers. I start my new job in around 2 weeks and hopefully slightly shorter days will suit me better. Looking forward to a fresh start in a new hospital without everyone I see knowing what happened to me and the comments that go with it.
Positive: Reflecting over the last year really shows how resilient we can be. I am a different person to that I was a year ago. I appreciate life so much more which is a perspective I never would have had, every day is special ❤️