The Desire to Blame
Updated: Dec 15, 2021
Processing a cancer diagnosis is HARD and all you think about is what the hell did I do wrong!? It’s human nature to want answers and I want to know WHY?! To my boyfriends delight I referred to myself as a ‘special case’ ONCE but now get made fun of on the daily! Never going to live that down but it’s true! I don’t meet any risk factors! I don’t smoke, I very rarely drink, there’s very minimal family history and all I’ve done is look after people! Life is so unfair. It’s important to remember that cancer doesn’t discriminate- it can affect anyone at any age- its not personal!
After the tears the anger set in, how can some people be able to have children without a thought and now I’m likely going to struggle and have to go through fertility treatment. I felt a burden to my boyfriend and the fear set in that he would want to leave me and find someone else (that was all in my head). BUT all these feelings are so valid and it’s okay to kick and scream and throw stuff if you want- it’s NORMAL. Following diagnosis and coming home to my mum lead to my first feelings of giving up. ‘I don’t want to live anymore’ I sobbed. Its SO overwhelming having the next year of your life planned out with hospital appointments and I almost know too much which makes it difficult to stay in the present and not think too far ahead. One day at a time is good and is what’s working for me so far. Anxiety and worry don’t change the future so why exhaust yourself! Recognising when a worry is real or hypothetical really helps and telling it to f*** off when it doesn’t help you is quite liberating.
Positive- Learning that blaming yourself isn’t helpful. Life throws these challenges at you and it’s your opportunity to take it by the balls and shine!
If you‘re struggling with anxiety and staying in the present moment the app ‘worry dolls’ is really good! You write your worry’s down and they get taken away and looked after to keep you in the present until you have some time to acknowledge them and get rid!