The Fear of Re-occurrence 😬
Since being diagnosed in November 21, I don't think I quite realised that it really was just the beginning. I had a lumpectomy that removed the lump but it obviously didn't just come out that easily. I STILL have a blue boob from the dye used to locate my sentinel lymph node and have scarring internally and externally. I've not been one to worry excessively about the cancer coming back but it's always stuck with me that they said as my cancer was so high grade it could potentially return in the first 2 years.
Since surgery I've had a fairly sore scar area and ofcourse it wasn't the same as it was. Adjusting to a new normal is so hard. It is mental torture to have a lump that feels the exact same as the cancer did before surgery. I recently had this lump checked and my god it stressed me out. I had a good two weeks pre appointment anxiety, tearful and stressed. One day thinking rationally that it's likely scar tissue and the next inconsolable in tears , convinced my body is riddled with cancer.
Facing the same place and the same people on the day I was diagnosed was difficult. Being told for a second time the lump was probably fine and then heading for an ultrasound really put me on edge. Seeing the consultant again, this time with a smile on my face rather than me whaling and ugly crying being told I had cancer. The consultant scanned me thoroughly and assured me I am still cancer free! The relief is indescribable. Sam came with me and could just see the relief on his face as I walked out with a thumbs up! PHEW!
I will be having yearly MRI's and mammograms every year until I'm 40 starting this November. I feel like a ticking time bomb. Just waiting for the cancer to return, to be faced with more challenges. Currently growing my hair back with the thought constantly in the back of my head that it might be taken from me again.
Tomorrow I go to Marbella, a well needed holiday so thank goodness the news was good. Time to relax and enjoy some time off FINALLY!
Positive: Having this new perception on life really makes you realise how special it is and how important it is to put YOU first. Never let anyone tell you different ❤️