The Harsh Reality
Updated: Dec 15, 2021
This cancer stuff is tough. It sounds strange but despite all the support and love around me I still feel alone. I have to face this and go through with all these awful things ALONE. No matter who goes with me or holds my hand its me that has to face this. I cannot be protected and that’s a hard pill to swallow (literally)! As my mum keeps saying, these things are a ‘necessary evil’ and at least I do understand the reasoning behind it all.
Time away from work is becoming difficult and messing with my emotions. I feel isolated and out of touch. My anxiety is driving me crazy and worrying I will forget my nursing skills or someone will be hired to replace me. I have lost my identity. So many questions I keep asking myself..am I going to want to work in oncology after this!? I may want nothing to do with cancer ever again!
My hospital appointments are stacking up, literally 11 over the next three weeks. My phone is always on loud waiting for the generic hospital number to phone. I have two new contacts! The breast nurse specialists and the fertility clinic 😂. I have been feeling nervous about my surgery on the 30th and had a call from day surgery yesterday. They don’t feel diazepam is a good option for me before hand to calm my nerves as it makes you so sleepy I may not be awake enough to go home at the end of the day! My actual surgery isn’t until the afternoon but I’m gonna be all over the place between the breast clinic and nuclear medicine for the morning in preparation. I’m literally going to be traumatized.
Covid precautions are of course still there and Sam and I have to isolate for 3 days prior to the op. Three days of sitting inside and worrying, I really need to get some stuff to occupy my brain!! The worst part is, I can’t have a hug from my mum before I go into day surgery, face time will have to do! I couldn’t imagine going through all this when lockdown was happening, I have needed my family and friends SO MUCH. This isn’t it either as we have to isolate AGAIN before my egg collection surgery. Luckily Sams work have been really supportive and having the time off as needed- perks of us both working for the NHS!
In a previous post I said how relieved I was that I had life insurance (claim still pending!) BUT I did forget… travel insurance -.-. Our trip to Florida has to be cancelled meaning I lose my deposit of a £1000. How depressing is that! Please get travel insurance!! I was stupid and thought you only needed it before you actually travel but I would have 100% been covered if I‘d done this but I guess no one expects to be diagnosed with cancer!
Christmas is getting closer and as usual mum has been asking what I would like for Christmas. Money is now becoming an issue without being able to work, sick pay is great but it’s also basic pay so it’s not quite the same. I literally had to say ‘money towards a wig please’. That literally made me feel sick. My hair gives me so much confidence and losing it is going to be a huge blow for me. I have found some amazing wigs but of course they come at a price around £800. Eugh. I know my mum wouldn’t let that happen for Christmas but it is such a depressing thought.
Positive: I struggled to think of one this time throughout my rant of negativity but reflection is key. I may have felt a loss of identity now but this experience is going to shape me as a person. I am going to be so much stronger and confident in myself and I guess that’s quite exciting. Also, learn from your mistakes! I will NEVER book a holiday again without travel insurance! 🙈