The Shedding Has Begun 😩

Today is 12 days since my first cycle of EC Chemo. This chemo crap is LITERALLY a rollercoaster. I went from having the worst 3 days of a migraine to then having the best weekend and never feeling so well! It is so true that you appreciate what you have so much more after a few crap days. Even being able to walk longer than 15 minutes without wanting to pass out was a luxury! The dogs were definitely pleased 🐾.

Hoping that I’m mostly out of the woods now after the first lot and can enjoy my 8 days of freedom before round 2! I’ve got in the habit of calling it ‘poison’! I wouldn’t recommend 😂. On more positive terms Tash from the charity LEAF who works really closely with patients that I work with told me to think of chemo as little soldiers marching through my body.. this is a way more sensible and positive way of thinking- this I do recommend!

It has been really hard coping with the ‘ticking time bomb’ of chemo. As I am now in the vicious cycle I feel like I’m constantly waiting for the next lot of ‘not poison’ 🙈😂. I’m always on a countdown, whether it’s until the next chemo or the end of chemo or the start of radiotherapy or the next surgery IT IS JUST TOO MUCH! Trying to stay calm and in the present moment and enjoying the days you are well is hard but we are doing it! Only 93 days until my last chemo! 😉 BUT seriously countdowns are alright but they can consume you which I don’t recommend! Life is still too short and you need to get out there and live it on the days you can! Cancer or no cancer.

Yesterday evening after a lovely day, I got home and brushed my hair before bed and the hairs are finally starting to come out 😩. I’ve been watching this hair brush everyday and this time it wasn’t just the odd strand or normal amount. Tears instantly filled my eyes and I felt sick and panicked. Funny how I know it’s coming..I’ve even got a wig ready to order yet it didn’t feel real until the hair was literally in my hands. I have loads of support from other people in my situation who have been through this or going through it now like me. It’s so good to hear from others that actually know how it feels, it is not just hair. To me it’s my confidence and my identity, once that’s stripped away I’m gonna struggle but keep reminding myself that I can do it!!

The unknown is a massive factor, you just don’t know how much hair you might lose. There is so many success stories and complicated regimes people swear by that kept their hair. I am following the basics of no heat, natural shampoo/conditioner and minimal brushing/washing.. oh and a silk pillow case! BUT I am not getting tied into the pressure of a concoction of vitamins and supplements/ conditioners to wear with the cap that promise all these things. It is just TOO MUCH PRESSURE. If my hair all falls out , it does. I don’t want to get into the cloud of thinking it’s something I did when its definitely the chemos fault!

Yesterday I started my hair diary which I will eventually be able to share with you all and can keep track of what happens! BUT anyone reading this whether scalp cooling works or doesn’t work for me it is only unique to me! Remember cancer does not discriminate and either does the success of scalp cooling.. it’s another luck of the draw! I also started a tally of what cancer has brought me so far! This will be interesting to see at the end and hopefully encourage a few of you to check your boobs more often as who wants to deal with all that crap! ⬇️

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Positive: As sh** as having cancer is, it has led me to appreciate the area I work more and the importance of research! I read that scalp cooling didn’t exist until 1997! It just shows how important fundraising is and that those people that raised in the past guaranteed my chance to try and keep my hair when many before didn’t get the option! Don’t forget the fact that I have received curative treatment which wasn’t even a thing before! Our pretty muddy team for May has increased to 23 members (INCLUDING ME!). I was a plonker and worked out my chemo dates wrong 🙈 IF theres no hiccups and chemo doesn’t get delayed along the way I WILL be taking part 10 days after my last chemo 👊. It’s so nice to be part of such a positive event and we have raised £950 already! AMAZING!