The ‘Unlucky’ One
My god if I had counted the amount of times someone has called me 'unlucky' in this 🙈. I should have created a montage of all the things NOT to say to someone going through cancer as there has been some real winners along the way 😂. Referring to my short hair to that of a 'dike' (not my words) and 'tomboy' to name a few, yes.. it's bad! Oh and when they see you and look down at your chest and say 'did you get to keep them or?....' The steroid bloat being man handled and asked 'oh are you expecting!?'.. ummm quite the opposite thanks not likely infertile or anything.
These being just a few of the comments I've received can be detrimental and so so hurtful. I have to laugh or I'd cry. I get that cancer is an awkward subject for some people and they simply don't understand or know how to approach it but perhaps one number 1 tip, don't comment on someone's appearance. There's only so much that we can let slide until it starts to hurt.
Lately, I've been battling the negatives of cancer. At the moment I'm feeling angry and seeing cancer as a thief. Cancer has taken so much from me.. to name a few.. my potential specialist nurse job, part of my boob, my body shape, all my hair, my previous job that I could no longer do, hugely damaged relationships, my bank balance and clearly my mental health. Even now a year on from being diagnosed I am still very much in the thick of it.
Currently, I am batting symptoms of the menopause in my 20s. I get so frustrated when you get no slack in daily life. Now the 'cancers gone' in other people's eyes life goes back to normal. Medically induced menopause is NOT THE SAME as natural menopause. In natural life there are solutions out there to help manage the symptoms and by that point you've usually have more acceptance of your child status. I had no choice AND I can't have HRT or anything to manage symptoms as this puts me at risk to cancer again. Also me having children with my frozen eggs also puts me at risk of cancer coming back so yeah.. not quite the same.
If I want to stay home and have down time or not socialise sometimes or be irritated and annoyed that should be accepted. That is the 'normal' for me and what I'm dealing with, mentally and medically induced. I don't know what's me anymore and what's the drugs. I don't know if constant arguments with loved ones are because I genuinely don't want them in my life or if the drugs are making me this way. This is hard and girls going through this need support, not given a hard time for feeling the way they do. So many people lack an understanding of cancer and the effects it has and that these are LONG TERM. Please be kind and support others decisions as you just don't know what their latest battle is. It's never ending.
Being young and considered 'rare' for my diagnosis I am sick to death of being told I'm UNLUCKY. Like what am I supposed to do with that!? Umm thank you? Just yesterday I had to see a surgeon about removing all my wisdom teeth (even though there's nothing wrong with them) as my cancer drugs can cause a rotting jaw .. yeah I know 😂. To be told oh well we've not really had this before and we need to remove them but if we do you might be left with a numb face, you are just really unlucky. Fan bloody tastic!
I STILL have a blue dyed boob from surgery over a year ago. I am still wearing a wig everyday. I am still having injections every 3 months and 5 tablets daily. I am being stabbed every 6 months with cannulas and being infused with drugs which make you feel like utter shit. I have had to work this around my 'new life'. A new job, paying the bills, working in the morning cancer unit in the afternoon. Life does not stop for cancer and only pushes us more to try and carry on some sort of 'normal' because we have to.
Just to add, working as a nurse in cancer care when you've recently had this yourself can be utterly brutal. I went for a tour around pathology as part of my new job is centrifuging blood samples and literally got shown a cupboard of boobs taken from mastectomy's in the last 3 months and WATCHED someone cut them up find the tumour and hand it to me. Treated like they were not part of someone's body not so long ago. They all still had blue dye on just like the boob attached to me still does. Made me tearful and sick thinking my boob was in there not that long ago and chopped and sliced like a piece of meat. When in reality behind each body part in the cupboard is a human being having an extremely shit time. This process inevitably guided my excellent care but that's not what a girl needs to see so soon after. But this is the thing people don't know. Unless you wear a 'I had cancer' sign on your head no one knows and you are assumed to be able to cope with these things in society. It's a hard world out there for girlies like me.
Bit of a rant in this one but it's the raw truth. This is the reality. Cancer is shit and it tests us and comes through your life like a bull in a china shop. BUT we are still standing, battered and bruised but standing.
Positive: I am now settling in to my new job carrying out clinical trials in cancer and contributing to research that is ultimately guiding the evidence that saved my life.
Life is what you make it.
Soph ❤️