Time to Reflect
In all honesty, I have never felt lower in my life. The last few days have been the darkest I have ever known and the only thing keeping me going at the moment is literally taking an hour of the day at a time. Sam and my mum have been my absolute support system, honestly don’t know where I’d be now without them.
I am now 5 days post cycle 2 of EC Chemo and I have been completely zapped of energy. I can’t even enjoy sitting on the sofa with good tv as no where is comfortable. Literally nowhere. I have cried more than I knew possible and have taken myself into hiding with my new look. These feelings are personal to me and I truly respect those who can be brave and go out with their hair loss and be proud and I really hope I can achieve that one day. For now that isn’t me. For now I am embarrassed, my self esteem is gone and I feel completely drained.
I didn’t sleep well last night in anxiety to getting my wig seen to at the hair dressers today to have it shaped and of course I got a call whilst on the way to say the hair dresser was off sick. That was the icing on the cake for me and back into my dark hole I went. Earlier I heard the phrase ‘would rather be bald than dead’. I would be lying if I’d said I hadn’t thought if life was worth living anymore or ways I could take this awful pain away BUT ultimately it is correct. I would rather be bald than dead so I’m gonna keep going because you’ve just got to. 👊 Everything happens for a reason and I really was not well enough to leave the house today. I was exhausted and felt on the brink of fainting so probs wasn’t the best idea after all!
My lovely wig has gone back off to Hollie for some alterations as at the moment my focus on feeling better is the reliance of a perfect wig to give me the confidence to brave the outdoors again. It isn’t quite the perfect fit just yet, it’s all a process. I hate ‘the process’. This is lacking huge perspective in actually feeling better but it’s the best I can do for now. I ordered a new head scarf today too so will see if that brings any joy.
Always be kind to others and give them space where it’s needed. I have felt guilty if I don’t reply to messages straight away or people suggest meeting up and I’m not quite there yet. BUT it’s okay to need space and I’m finding the feet of the new me and it will take as long as it takes. I am literally grieving the girl I was before cancer.
Positive: Feeling happy I found the energy to write this as even getting out of bed has been a struggle today! My arm pit hairs are no more so guess that’s a bonus AND I’m still here and still fighting so must be doing something right 👊.